CHILDREN OF DIVORCE NEED THEIR FATHER AND MOTHER

By Lauri Hassinger

As we approach this Fathers Day, I would like to share my thoughts as it relates to children of divorce.  I am Andy's mother and have been both a custodial and noncustodial stepmother to my stepsons Aaron and Ian.

What I share are my observations in these roles.

As I look at Andy I know that there is nobody who loves him more than I do - except his father.  As I watch Andy and his dad play ball, skate, build birdhouses, fix things and spend time doing "boy" things - I realize the void that I could never fill in his life.  My husband is an athlete, I am not; he builds, I provide the projects; he is Andy's friend and father; I am Andy's mother.  We are both important to his development and emotional well being and he would not be who he is without us both to love and give him emotional support and guidance.

I then look at my stepsons and their relationship with their father, and I can't help but feel that they have missed something.  Steve was awarded the "usual" visitation every other weekend and three hours on Wednesday nights.  Somehow it just wasn't enough of that so called "quality time" to make up for all the "quantity time" that any relationship needs.  It is Aaron and Ian who have missed out.  As they approach adulthood, they have little to look back on to help them in their own relationships and family lives.  They watch their brother Andy and can't remember being that age.  They don't remember doing the things with their dad that Andy does, because they never really did.  There just wasn't enough days, enough times, enough hours, enough "visitations" to develop that relationship that sustains us through our lives.

I then think of my relationship with my own father - the kind that my own stepsons have not experienced.  With todays custody laws, my mother would have been given sole custody of us girls.  I think of what I would have missed by seeing my father with the usual "visitation" rules.

My dad doesn't cook much, but we never starved in his care.  However, he has other support and help to offer.  It was my father who told me I could do anything I wanted, have any career I chose and I could succeed.  He helped me excel in maths and everything I did.  He showed me the stars, taught me to reach for them and convinced me that if I really tried, I could even touch them.  He encourages me when I fail, support me when I try, is there when I need him and always loves me.  These things I know, for he is constantly in my life to remind me.

As I think about the divorced fathers I know, I mostly think of their children.  Their children will never know all the wonderful things these men as fathers have to offer, will never experience all that these fathers have to give, will never learn all these fathers can teach and I am reminded of a scenario in a William Raspberry column.

A mother seeing her small child on a jungle gym is more likely to say "be careful"; while the father may say "can you climb to the top?".

I use this example because I have never climbed to the top of a jungle gym in my entire life and would never have encouraged my small son to do it.  Who would climb up to get him if he was too scared to come down? I don't make this illustration to question right and wrong, rather the differences. Writer Ellen Wilson Fielding states, " The mother assures the child he is loved and looked after and teaches him caution, while the father's acceptance of risk taking bolsters his confidence in his ability to meet life's challenges".  It is these differences that each child needs.

In "The Nature of Fatherhood" by Karl Zinsmeister, it says, "a child who is highly involved with both parents has a rich emotional palette from which to draw.  No amount of conscientiousness on the part of a mother can fill the hole left when the father fades away, so instead of enjoying.......The vast range of human feelings which centres on two parents, many children are getting only a shrunken facsimile.  So I say to you, children need the difference that both parents can bring to their lives, the emotional support that both parents give, and most of all the unconditional love.

I now ask that you reflect on your own lives and ask yourself what it would be like seeing your father four days a month.  Ask yourself what kind of relationship you would have with your grandparents. Ask yourself what it would be like for your own children to see you only then, or how often they would see their grandparents. Think about all the love and support your children and grandchildren receive from you, and think of what life for them would be like without it.  And most of all ask yourself what your children and grandchildren would miss.

"Can you climb to the top?" the father asked. "Can you feel my love?"