The Calmness Factor

By Ken Canfield - National Centre for Fathering.

As I reflect on what I've noticed about fathers in the past year, I see that their busyness, high expectations and stress levels are off the scale.  So, I went back for a fresh look at some previous research, where "the calmness factor" emerged from a mountain of data as a critical part of effective fathering.  The recent analysis yielded six markers related to maintaining composure in the act of fathering.

Consider these questions for yourself and get feedback from your child, your wife or a close friend:

1. Are you able to respond calmly when your child says hurtful things to you?
2. Are you patient with your children when they make mistakes?
3. Can you calmly discuss differences in your family?
4. Do you lose your temper with your child?
5. Do you respond calmly when your child does something with which you do not agree?
6. Are you level headed during a crisis?

My friend Steve told me about a time when "calmness" was a foreign concept.  When his son was a teenager, Steve was often very critical of his son's schoolwork, the way he dressed and his overall attitude.  A turning point in Steve's business only added to his stress level.

Late one night after an intense verbal exchange. Steve's son locked himself in his room.  Steve demanded that his son open the door and face the situation.  His son refused, so Steve broke through the door, tackled his son, screamed directives while holding him down.  After the scuffle, Steve invoked The Law - "Son it's real easy, my way or the highway - your choice."  Before the boy responded Steve told him to get out of the house, thinking "tough love" was what his son needed.

That was seven years ago.  Steve tearfully confesses that he hasn't seen or heard from his son for over five years.  "It feels like he's dead", Steve said.  " I have no way to reach him.  During the holidays it's doubly hard.  I hope and pray that someday I'll get another chance."

If you have a teenager, a special needs child, or a child who is facing other difficult challenges, then your ability to remain calm will be tested most often.  But all children will test their fathers's patience.  Take steps now to monitor your stress level and find ways to remain calm.  Make "calmness" one of your goals as a Dad for the next year.  Find ways to remind yourself of that commitment every day and think of specific strategies to help you remain calm.  I hurt for dads like Steve who have made huge errors but have no recourse but patience.  Let's not let anything stand in the way of being controlled, caring and calm fathers.

Action Points for Committed Fathers

1. Ask your children to suggest their favourite calming, relaxing activity.  Make a point to initiate it over the holidays.
2. Find out if there is anything you need to do to make amends in your relationship with your wife or children.  Be proactive and swallow your pride.
3. Discuss how your family expresses and processes emotion.  Ask your wife or older child to describe how you disclose emotion.
4. As a family, take time to develop goals and plans for the next year.  Map them out on a calendar and stick to them.