There is an unspoken language that happens between people which allows them to know

if others really value them and believe they’re capable. This language is especially

evident in parents and children, and many children who are struggling are discouraged

because they have parents who don’t truly believe in them and who don’t encourage them

consistently. How do you encourage your children? You allow them to do ageappropriate

tasks free of criticism and filled with encouraging comments. You discipline

yourself to treat your children based on their potential, not always what you see in front

of you. You include them in many activities and give them many opportunities to learn

without shaming or guilting them. Your children will reflect back what they get from

you. Fathers who believe in their children have learned to believe in themselves. Seems

like both parties benefit here, don’t they?

This is a big problem for a lot of dads, but if there’s a will there’s a way. If you don’t

have much time to work with, make the time with your kids special. How about having a

“date” with your son or daughter each week? Are there times when you can include them

in your activities around the house or even when your working? If you’re the father of a

teenager, have you given up on the idea of spending time with your kid because it’s

difficult? They still need you to be involved in their life in a big way. It just might not

always seem like it from their comments and behavior! Are there things you can give up

in order to spend more time with your kids? (One round of golf each week?) Remember,

this is an investment, and they won’t be around for that long.

It’s really difficult to be nurturing and kind to your family if you don’t take some time to

be kind and nurturing to yourself. What is it that you love to do and that relaxes you?

Time is such a big factor for all of us these days, it’s vitally important to find the time

each week to take care of yourself in some way and to reduce your level of stress. This

will allow the real and genuine you to be with your family, not some angry, stressed-out

version of you. If you don’t know how to nurture yourself, now may be a good time to

explore that area and to find some answers for yourself.

How much do you really know about your children? Do you know:

If you don’t know a lot of these answers, you can always ask your child. There are a lot

of fathers who don’t know these kinds of details about their children’s lives. They may be

leaving it up to mom or they may just not feel like they have the time to find out.

Whatever the reason, remember that your children benefit tremendously when you take

the time to get to know all of the areas of their lives.

Step #1 Forgive your father for what happened in the past--it’s not going to help either of

you to carry all of this baggage around and it will hurt your relationship with your

children if you don’t. You may need some help or support around this issue—get it!

Step #2 Start forging a new relationship with your father. Start a conversation with him

in which you mention how hard it must have been for him or about what his father was

like. Don’t wait--the opportunity can be gone at any moment. If your father has died or

you can’t contact him, write a letter to him or find some other way of doing it. What’s

important is that you alter the way you feel about the relationship and that you

communicate that to him.

Step #3 Tell your dad how much you appreciate what he did for you. Find the positive in

his actions, even though you may find it difficult to think of things. Remember that he

may not have received much from his father and that’s the only model he may have had.

Does this all seem difficult to do? That means that you need to do it!

The dirty truth is that many fathers don’t listen to their children very well. While kids are

talking to us it’s easy for us to “put on the filter” and to hear what we want to hear. We

can easily have our focus on judging them while they’re talking to us and forming our

own opinions and attitudes rather than really hearing them. What can you do to improve?

Step #1 Acknowledge that you can improve as a listener and let your kids know that

you’re going to try to do better when they talk with you. (This will help to put some teeth

into your commitment)

Step #2 Reflect back to your kids what they say to you. Doing this is pretty good proof

that you heard what was said to you. You can paraphrase it and you don’t have to get

carried away with it. (Saying, “So it sounds like you want me to go jump off a bridge,” to

your teenage son may not be necessary). It is amazing to witness the power of great

listening from a father and what it can do for a relationship. I think you’ll like the results.

Step #3 Practice, practice, practice your listening skills. Want a good and willing

subject? Try your partner!

may stop a problem temporarily, but it will come back and bite you in the behind. Fathers

need to educate themselves on how to effectively discipline their children. Here are some

simple steps to improve your skills at disciplining your children.

Step #1 Ask them calmly and respectfully to stop whatever behavior is happening that

you don’t like, or tell them what you have noticed that you don’t approve of.

Step # 2 If the behavior continues, tell them that you will take away the object or

privilege in question. Use a voice that conveys respect and calm but that means business.

Step # 3 Take away the object or privilege and tell them that they can try again later. Do

not cave in to crying or persuasive arguments. Be firm and kind.

Step # 4 Give them another chance after a period of time. If the misbehavior continues,

take away the object or privilege for a longer period.

Remember to try to give your kids choices at all times. Attempt to avoid power struggles

and pick your battles. If your relationship is so bad that these methods can’t be useful,

first attempt to spend some time with your child and improve the relationship before

moving ahead.

You are the main role model for your children, and your relationship with your wife is

the main source of information for them. Here are some ideas:

because of the kids

your ex-wife.

Show them how valuable they are by hugging them or by wrestling with them. This is the

way you show them that you care. Share your feelings with them (age-appropriate, of

course) and make it a practice of yours to invite them to share their feelings with you. If

you lead the way you’ll make it easier for them. Tell them what you love about them.

Show them that men can be both strong and nurturing at the same time.

together they can easily begin to talk about their kids and to get into some of the intimate

details of their lives.

Fathers tend to spend more time on business or sports. It is crucial for fathers to find a

way to talk about some of the difficult aspects of fathering that will be coming up and to

have a sounding board or feedback from other fathers.

Choices here may be to form a weekly group of fathers that meets to discuss being a

father and to make action plans that each is accountable for. Another is to get a coach to

talk to each week to work on areas of need and to formulate a plan to improve your

fathering.

What is important is that you have a way to process what you are going through as a

father and that you feel supported enough to grow and take risks. Great fathers are

required to grow and to change with their children. It’s awfully hard to do that by

yourself. Go get some help before it’s too late!

Did you know that seeking help is actually a sign of strength?

Improve on any or all of these aspects of being a father and you’ll improve your

effectiveness as a father.

How important is this to you? Important enough to do something about it? Your kids will

thank you.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, CSC

Dynamic Vision

651-766-9976

www.markbrandenburg.com